david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
