I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
