I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
