I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
