if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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