As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
