When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
