Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
