I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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