I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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