Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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