i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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