Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
