I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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