can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
