The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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