The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
