If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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