He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
In the future we'll all be gay
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
