oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
