things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
