she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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