im six kinds of drunk right now
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
