ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Come on in and take your pants off
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