I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
