i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
