I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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