I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
