you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
