I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
40s are totally the cure
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
