The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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