R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
there is glitter all over my balls
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
