you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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