She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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