Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
