I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
