I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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