So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
