I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
