Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
