I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
