Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
