I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
