Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
