I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
