Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
