All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
