Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
