Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
