My first STD was from a foam party
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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